A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.

“Son! If you masturbate too much, you’re gonna go blind!”

“Dad,” the boy said, “I’m over here.“

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya ‘think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?’

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said , ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

Joe and Mike were visiting one day and Joe said,
“My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replied.
“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars … a lot cheaper than a doctor.” Read more »

1)  NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm  summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead   of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked! As I  was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old   shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

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2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his  teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

Read more »

A blond is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies.

Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

“Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!” she screams.

Ground control receives her call for help and answers back:

“Don’t worry, madam. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say.

First, I need you to give me your height and position.”

 I’m 5 Foot 11 Inches tall and sitting in the front seat.

Let’s see if you can laugh as hard as I can!  :lol:  :lol:

Apparently, this guy mailed me is filing a lawsuit against me! *gulp*

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”
That’s DIRECT MARKETING.

2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him!”
That’s ADVERTISING.

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call her and say, “Hi, I am very rich. Marry me!”
That’s TELEMARKETING.
Read more »

Not enough change to pay for the highway fees? Check the picture below